Friday, February 25, 2011

7 weeks today

The bleeding has subsided, which is wonderful, but I am still not feeling anything any else, unfortunately, and my fear grows each day we get closer to our appointment. I can't put in writing how badly I need to get past this next hurdle, we just have to hear a heartbeat this time.  I am hopeful and  realize that I need to continue to try and celebrate being PUPO.. but it's getting harder by the day, with no symptoms and feeling crazier and crazier for obsessing, I just want to know.  I'm also pretty pissed that my clinic wouldn't let me come in earlier since I was bleeding and cramping...  it made me feel like the care we were getting was so impersonal, because if they cared about us as much as they say wouldn't they want to give us piece of mind?  

I do have to say I am feeling much better today (no more crazy than I should be I guess). After my mini melt-down on my last posting, I couldn't believe the outpouring of support that Jeff and I have received from family and friends and as lonely as the journey through infertility feels, I know that there are people there for us trying to be be there, saying prayers for us, sending us love and home sweet home thoughts and walking with us every step of the way and I want to say thank you !
I welcome any and all comments! It's comforting to know I'm not alone in what I'm going through.

Infertility SUCKS !! That's my thought for the day.
It's our turn.. 2011 is going to be a better year. It has to be...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The date is set

I made the appointment for my ultrasound this week, it's a whole week away's going to be next wed at 9 am.  I am truly scared to death of the appointment and what they might find, or more specifically what they might not find. The waiting is really excruciating because I continue to drive myself crazy analyzing every little twinge or cramp or wave of ,what I think and hope, is nausea, wondering if all of these things are just wishful thinking.  I know that last time I felt even more pregnant and had all the symptoms after the first ultrasound and even up to the day of our second ultrasound which ended up completely devastating me, so this time in the back of my head,  I am continuously denying anything that I feel. Arrrggghhhh it is going to be a long week!
 This week the bleeding continues to be sporadic and I'm not sure the reason for it. It's been a rough day, the bleeding has been worse today and the color is brighter. The cramps and backache continue off an on, but my boobs aren't getting any bigger, and definitely have no soreness there. I dont know what to think about the bleeding.. it doesn't fit any of the reasons that I have read that could be causes of it.. so I'm scared.
I have also decided to take a break from facebook for a while, as it seems that all of my high school friends are getting pregnant  "accidentally" and others are whining about being pregnant and there are pregnant belly pictures everywhere.  For my own sanity I think it's best just to stay away from it for awhile. 
As any of you who have fought this horrible battle with infertility understand, it's so hard to watch others have it easy getting pregnant, getting pregnant accidentally, complaining about their pregnancy symptoms and their changing bodies.. if they only do how much I would give to not have had to fight for the possibility to feel the miracle of life inside me. I'm so tired of hearing that I need to just stay positive and things will work out. If that were the case why have I had to go through all this ... I've been positive, and strong, and optimistic and now all I am is tired.
I'm just having a rough day and I'm scared. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Mother Nature is a BITCH

OK, so first let me warn the readers that I've had a tough couple of days and the following is going to be the obsessive rantings of a lunatic...

So the last week has been filled with monster cramps, and one day of backache so terrible that I could barely get out of bed. Of course these symptoms lead me to the wonderful world of the internet where you can find any answer that you are looking for. I mean if a woman has had the same symtpoms somewhere in the world you can find them, AND the tricky thing about it is if you are being OCD about it in a negative way you can find those answers.. BUT if you are being OCD and looking for reassurance that everything is ok, you can also find those postings. After many hours looking for the answers that I wanted, I had pretty much settled myself down, as I read almost every where that as long as I am not bleeding that everything is ok and the cramping is just my body expanding and growing to fit it's new tenant(s) more comfortably while they live there. Then yesterday I started to bleed.  Those spots on the pad were the worst things I have ever seen. I can't explain the fear that accompanied them as I came out of the bathroom in tears and told Jeff to call the clinic.  As is typically the case with our clinic, instead of saying we could come in and check things out, they brushed it aside and said that it still could be a very healthy pregnancy and that as long as I wasn't soaking a pad that we should just keep doing what we have been doing. REALLY???!!! OK, I'll keep being miserably in pain, obsessing that our dreams could be coming to an end, and in fear every time I go to the bathroom. ( I told you I was in lunatic mode)

So basically what I have learned is that, I don't like Mother Nature's sense of humor very much! I mean, first it was if I have cramping and a backache it could EITHER mean that I am pregnant or that aunt flo is on her way, NOW it's if I have cramping and backache and spotting that it could mean that it's a healthy pregnancy OR that it's the sign of a miscarriage.

We are not scheduled for our ultrasound yet but the nurse said the 2nd would be good timing... sigh... that's a long time to feel this crazy and obsessive. I just want to see a little heart beat pumping away and know that our dreams are not going to be crushed again, because I don't know where we would even go after this cycle. I truly am trying to remain positive and strong, but I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff just waiting to find out if the rocks under my feet are going to hold or if I'm going to fall. I hate that I have to go through this...I want to celebrate this pregnancy but that's just not going to happen until I see a heartbeat. Until then I am just getting through the days. I feel like crap (which is supposed to be a good sign of pregnancy), but not crappy enough, nausea but no vomitting just doesn't seem like enough, I mean if mother nature is going to give me an indication that things are going well in there then she needs to step up her game. I'm tired of the ambiguous signs, give me the sore boobs that are growing (mine arent), make me hug the porcelain goddess (nope just annoying nausea), give me the food aversions or cravings (just lack of appetite). *sigh*
I'm saying... I am ready for pregnancy BRING IT ON!!

Until I get those things I will just sit and watch the clock, obsess and fear my trips to the bathroom, and hope and pray for those little heartbeats...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Beta #2

This year I had a Valentine's Day that started with a blood draw ... hmmm. I told the nurses at the clinic that they could only draw my blood yesterday if they promised not to ruin my Valentines Day with bad news...they laughed at me and said they would do their best, and that they all had a really good feeling about it. Well all that positive energy seems to have worked!!
14dp5dt and our second beta was higher then we thought it was going to be at 7247!!
Can't complain about that number that's for sure !

It was a relief to have a good number as I have been over analyzing every little twinge or cramp, or lack of nausea on some days etc... so getting that number just helped me relax a little bit and not worry AS much.  So I suppose I'll enjoy this feeling for a day or two then start obsessing and worrying about the ultrasound that is going to happen in a week or two (even I'm rolling my eyes at myself for my OCD about this whole thing, and anxiety that I create for myself). Oh well, I might as well get used to it I guess, because until I'm holding my little angel(s) the anxiety and worry will only grow daily....

One of the girls in class today who knew what was happening last week, came up to me and said "I don't even have to ask do I.. you're pregnant.. You just have a different energy today that is so positive and relaxed, that I just know it went well huh"?
*happy sigh*  will take those words and try and remember them next time I start obsessing .. lol

Jeff's comments for today is that we are really excited but trying to stay cautious about not thinking ahead and instead taking one step/hurdle at a time !
(Easier said then done )

Friday, February 11, 2011

Beta Results

After a looooong evening in class last night, to which I owe a special thanks to my girl Annie for keeping me distracted enough that I didn't make a jail break and ditch out of class early, love ya hon, we finally were able to listen to the message last night.

So just a refresher on what they are looking for in regards to numbers of HCG levels, baseline considered good is 100. Our number was 1348!!

We understand that this is just the first hurdle of many that we still have to jump over, but DAMN did it feel good to get such a strong number to start off with.
I go back in Monday for the second blood draw.
This is going to be the best Valentine's Day weekend I have ever had. I can't put into words how incredible it was to get this positive ! i am definitely doing the HAPPY SNOOPY DANCE !! WOO HOO
Funny side note: After we got the results off the message I wanted to POAS to take a picture, so I finally got the box out of the bathroom closet, sat down on the toity only to realize that I had nothing left to give .. grrr so we had dinner and before bed I finally was able to build up some pee to make the process work... my camera batteries were dead, and since we just remodeled our kitchen I had no idea where the charger SOOOO the pic below isn't my actual stick from this time. Though I do plan on trying again this weekend so that I can write on it and put the date etc. Oh well.. I'm sure this won't be the last time that something like this happens... at this point I am floating on cloud nine and can just go with the flow. :o)
Thank you to everybody for all the love and support we have received throughout this process !

Thursday, February 10, 2011

tick tock

I'm sitting here waiting for class to start and all that I'm thinking is please make this class go quickly so that I can get home and listen to the voicemail!!

I'm feeling really positive and I I keep thinking, this is it, this is going to be the time that it works.  It's so scary to think that I'm only a voice mail away from either one of the happiest days of my life or one of the worst. I am so completely overwhelmed with this whole process and so physicaly and emotionally tired, that I can only imagine getting good news because I'm not sure I can handle anything else. I wish that my body would have given me an indication one way or another about what decision it had made about this journey this time, but alas I have nothing but dreams to go on. I say that because I've increasingly had vivid dreams in the last couple of days about meeting my baby in a beautiful crystal blue body of water, and waking up with the feeling that this is a good sign that we will meet.

so for now I will ask once more for all of our loved ones to send baby love and wishes and prayers out there for us.
I know that no matter what happens I have the most wonderful and loving husband/best friend a girl could ask for and I wouldn't have been able to get through this process without him.
I love you Jeff!

It's Beta Day!

Wow, I can't believe that today is the day! At 8:15 this morning I had my blood drawn. I was so nervous going in, but all the nurses at the clinic are so sweet and made me feel so positive. Our IVF coordinator popped her head in and told me that she had her fingers crossed, and two other nurses came in and gave me hugs. Judy drew my blood and we had a gusher this morning, so I'm going to hope that's a good sign, since it's usually slower than molasses, that the rest of the day will also go well.
You will all be proud of me, I managed to resist the pregnancy testing box, that I swear moved to the front of the cupboard somehow in the last couple of days by itself... hmmmm. The nurses were all surprised that I hadn't done one yet. I just really don't want this ride to come to an end, and taking a test could have given me false hope or even a false negative, so I will wait (which is all I ever seem to be doing these days) until tonight when I get home to find out the results.
I have class tonight until 9, so even though the results will probably be waiting on the voicemail in a few hours Jeff and I have decided its best to wait until class is over tonight so we can check it together, and so I can actually concentrate on what the heck is going on in class and not be a basket case (which I will be not matter what the results are)
So here I am once again, hoping and praying!!
Come on big number!!!

Monday, February 7, 2011


Can you hear that?  The damn pregnancy test box keeps calling my name. I have to admit, I feel like a crazy person at this point.I am going to need a straight jacket if we don't find something out soon. 
 Our first beta isn't until Thursday so until then we are just going to try and stay positive and resist the dreaded box that haunts me from the bathroom.. 

Physically, I have been feeling good (grrrr). Just like last time, I have no symptoms except for those that also would be the case if Aunt Flo were coming for a visit. Yesterday was the first day of the Monster Cramps which freaked me out and sent me down a spiral of doubt, of which I was only saved from by Jeff who looked up our last blog and assured me that it was the same timing, but outside of those, and a constant annoying headache, I have seen and felt NADA!  As much time as I have spent trying to convince myself that my boobs were fuller or that something was different I unfortunately have come up with nothing so far... so we will continue to wait and keep thinking that our little Blasts are turning into beautiful little babies inside me.

I don't really have much else to report, just keeping everybody in the loop of my slow trip into insanity from this whole process.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

still waiting

I am once again in the dreaded two week wait, and if it's possible, going a little more crazy every day from the wait. 

I had an emotional day yesterday. Though I am trying to not focus on the fact that we don't have any frosties as backup, the thought is there. I had some spotting yesterday, which I'm hoping its implantation bleeding, but being home alone without Jeff who is traveling for work, (or my mom, since they are in Belize, lucky buggers) to talk with, it was pretty tough last night to not also consider that it might not be a good sign as well. 
Other than the bleeding yesterday, I have had no signs or symptoms that my two beautiful little blasts have found us worthy to meet us

Today is only 5dp5dt... wow, its going to be a loooong two weeks.