Sunday, October 31, 2010

Chapter 1 from Jeff

We've talked about this a lot the last few days, and we have decided that it's time to wrap up chapter one of this blog to reflect the same in our actual life. This has been such an amazing roller coaster ride, and as much pain as it has caused us to say goodbye to the seahorse/blueberry/dream to which we had already grown attached beyond anything imaginable, we have to find a way to move on and start thinking about what is next. First, anyone who has read our blog is well aware of the fact that we have the most amazing doctor, who has shown us nothing but the finest level of care, expertise, professionalism, and compassion that is humanly possible and we look forward to continuing to work with him and his incredible staff. We really don't know what he's going to recommend moving forward, but we trust him 100%. We entered into this adventure with honestly a pretty low level of confidence that it was going to work at all. I can't put into words how proud I am of what we were able to accomplish, endure, and experience, especially Kim, but I can say that our couple of months as expecting parents were among the best things I've ever been through. Getting a taste of what we want so much has made the end more difficult to process, but also the next steps that much more important and exciting. I have to express the utmost appreciation for everyone who has been with us along the way in person, thoughts, prayers, hopes, wishes, appendage-crossing, etc, and can't tell you how much it means to us to have felt so much love over the past week. We are doing as well as we can through the end of this chapter, leaning heavily on each other in addition to all of your great support. It's not easy for us to share this with everyone, so please don't be offended if you don't catch us on the phone, or if you are a newer addition to expanded e-mail circle, or if we seem distant anytime.  We received a great card yesterday that said it perfectly in our eyes...

'It's okay to talk about it, or not talk about it.  It's okay to ask for help or just want to be alone.  It's okay to be angry or feel frustrated.  It's okay to laugh sometimes and cry other times.  It's okay to take all the time you need....because what I want for you is for things to be more than okay." thanks to everyone for all past, present and future support.  We're ready for chapter two and need all of the positive energy we can get.

Jeff & Kim

Saturday, October 30, 2010

rough couple of days..

Well after the results at Wednesday's appointment we were told our options were to have a D & C done or to wait until my body passed the baby on its own. There were risks with both, including risk of infection with leaving it to happen naturally, and the risk of puncturing or damaging my uterus with the D& C procedure. We weighed both options and decided that for emotional reasons that the D& C was the best option for us. The thought of having to wait up to three weeks for it to happen naturally, knowing that the baby had passed on inside me, was just too much to deal with. We decided that the D & C procedure would help us to find some closure and begin the grieving process.

I had the D & C done Thurs morning at 7:15, at North Memorial in Maple Grove. Here's how wonderful our RE is, Dr. Corfman came in on his day off to perform the D & C for me. He was wonderful with my parents and Jeff, and I can't believe how caring and tender he was with me, he held my hand while they were putting me to sleep in the surgery room and spent a long time talking with my parents and Jeff, reassuring them that I was ok, that I would still be able to have children, and that he would go over everything that happened during this IVF with us in a couple weeks after we had time to heal a little more emotionally and physically. He spends so much time talking to us and we both have decided that we wouldn't go to anybody else if we decide to do a second IVF cycle. I trust him completely.

It's still hard to believe that it's over. We are going through the grieving process, and I find myself alternating between disbelief and still thinking that I'm pregnant, and being really pissed off at the world because there is nobody I can blame for this awful thing that has happened.  I really just want an answer why, after all we did to make our dreams come true it was taken away from us. Life really isn't fair right now. I know things will get better and it will hurt less with time, but right now, I am completely broken.

I will update more as the days go on, as this blog gives me a place to vent and to grieve. 

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The end

There was no heartbeat at the appointment today, at 8 weeks baby Mensing has passed on.There are no words that can express the heartbreak over this loss...we love you baby Mensing.
Thank you to everybody for all of your continued support and love throughout our journey. We love you all.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Still week 7...

What the little blueberry is up to in there...
So accordig to what to the baby is now about the size of a blueberry (and about 10,000 times bigger than at conception). Isn't that just the cutest little thought....i have a blueberry in there (better than a seahorse I guess) ? Most of that growth is concentrated in the head as new brain cells are generated at the rate of 100 per minute. The baby's mouth and tongue are forming as arm and leg buds sprout, and those little kidneys (the third and permanent set) are getting ready to do their job (pee production and excretion) doesn't that sound pleasant?!
What's going on with me...
So anyway, how am I feeling this week? Well after last weeks appointment I swear that now that I know there is something in there, my body has decided to "feel" like there is something in there. Last week I was convinced that my boobs had stopped hurting and had reduced in size, so of course, for about three days I was a nervous wreck thinking that my symptoms were disappearing and something was going wrong. A word to the wise: do not beat the crap out of your boobs to see if they are still sore. They never did anything to you and don't deserve to be pounded into a pulpy residue, okay? But then towards the end of the week I was visited by a visitor named FATIGUE!! He visits me everyday right around 3 PM and is a pesky little bugger in that he INSISTS that I have a nap or else he makes me fall asleep no matter what I am doing whether I want to or not, so I figure might as well play nice and plan a nap into my day if possible. If I don't get my nap, I also feel more nauseous then otherwise, so I give in to the blueberry's needs and take a nap (giving mommy that I am and all ). Also, for the past two weeks I've had times where I've felt a little queasy, but never anything too extreme. Well over the weekend and yesterday in particular, the increased smell and aversion to foods hit me full on, grocery shopping is difficult when the produce aisle makes me feel like I'm going to toss my cookies, and last night I actually couldn't stand the taste of mashed potatoes!! Now if you know me at all, you know that normally i could LIVE on mashed potatoes. Jeff decided that I am definitely pregnant after that. So the nausea is there off and on all day especially when I get hungry or right after I eat, it just feels like a nasty taste in the back of my throat and I wonder if I'll need to sprint towards the toilet at any moment. I haven't needed to, in case you were wondering, and usually the nausea passes relatively quickly. But boy....that fatigue. Sunday I got 9 hours of sleep and still needed a 2 hour nap yesterday. So not normal but totally fabulous, right?
Tomorrow we have an appt with Dr. Corfman again to see the baby's heartbeat... I will update tomorrow after the appt.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Blueberry Update

Just got back from MCRH and Dr. Corfman did an ultrasound to see how many blueberries are in there, to look for a sac and the fetal pole and to look for the heartbeat. There is one blueberry in there and we were able to see the sac and the fetal pole, as for the heartbeat, he thought he could see it but since the baby implanted really high on my uterus he couldn't be sure. He told us that since we are only 6 weeks 6 days today that he wasn't going to freak if he didn't see the heartbeat, but he would like to see us next week for another ultrasound to be sure.

He said after we see the heartbeat next week that our chances of a miscarriage goes down to 4%, !

We are soooo excited !!

Jeff is conviced we are having a seahorse.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

tomorrows appointment... more waiting

Not much of an update today... just waiting for the ultrasound tomorrow (which isn't until 10:30). I am feeling pretty excited and nervous about tomorrow's appointment, I just want to see the heartbeat and put my mind at ease that everything is fine since I am no longer feeling any symptoms. I can't believe that I am actually sad about not having morning sickness and all the other symptoms that pregnancy can bring, but like I've said before I'm a worrier and with the way this pregnancy started I'd love to have the reassurance that all is ok in there.

Today I am 6 weeks 6 days pregnant and the baby is the size of a blueberry (our good friends the Winands said fruit references are the way to go and hopefully we'll follow their luck and get blueberries, so there will be no bean and legume references, ewwww), and we will continue to hold our breath here until we see that little heart go pitter patter tomorrow.

we still appreciate all the thoughts, prayers and crossed appendages from everyone. Thanks for the continued support !

Thursday, October 14, 2010

nothing new just checking in

not much new to report here.. today we are 6 weeks pregnant.
Still don't "feel" very pregnant, but looking forward to getting over the BIG hurdle next Thurs, the internal ultrasound to check the baby's heartbeat. Looking for 100-160 beats per minute.

That's all for now keep the good thoughts and prayers coming that all remains well and the baby is in there growing and developing healthy and strong.

Monday, October 11, 2010

late bloomers

It turns out that our baby is going to be a headstrong, stubborn, I'll do what I want in my own time, baby (some say like his/her mother). So just like my spring flowers that I bought this year that decided that they wanted to bloom in their own time and have decided that fall is actually their time, our baby has decided now is his/her time too, not a week ago or two weeks ago when they were "supposed" to!! :o)
Our blood test this morning was a nail biter to say the least, we were preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. Our levels came in today at 475. Dr. Corfman was very pleased with this rise and has ordered an ultrasound next Monday morning.
Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us, sent up wishes on stars, and crossed body parts till they hurt, we are again so excited that words cannot do our feelings justice. We continue to pray and hope that the baby continues to grow healthy and strong. We will continue to update the blog with any changes.
Thank you again to all of our loved ones for continued support and we look forward to celebrating our pregnancy journey with all of you in the months to come!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

weekend adventure...

So this waiting is driving me crazy!! It seems like that has been the majority of this adventure, waiting and waiting and waiting.... This has been one long weeknd so far, even though we did get out of the house all day yesterday. You'd be surprised at how many pregnant women are out there and how I am now like a magnet, for some reason, to being in locations where there are babies and pregnant women. hmmmph.

So yesterday Jeff and I decided to take a drive to see the fall colors. We drove through Red Wing, and down to Wabasha where we wandered around and then popped into the National Eagle center, which was pretty cool. We then drove to Pepin and had a nice lunch at the Harbor View Cafe overlooking the water, then meandered back up through Wisconsin and back home. It was such a beautiful day out, and even though we should have been home getting stuff done around the house, it was nice to get out and enjoy the weather and try to take our minds off of Monday.

Today we are getting some stuff done around the house, putting up our new blinds, getting our new wireless router to work, playing in the leaves (or cleaning the deck, however you want to look at it), then we are headed to St. Paul for the march for children and youth in St. Paul, for a class of mine. Tonight it sounds like we are headed to The Blue Door to meet Julie since she's in town, should be nice, and a peanut butter bacon burger doesn't hurt to put a smile on my face either.. yummm!

So far there has been no bleeding (which is a very good sign) and I've just had to deal with bad cramping and back pain. We will continue to hope this remains the situation and that tomorrow we receive the news we are hoping for!!

I know I keep asking for them.. but if you have any left, keep sending your prayers and "home sweet home" thoughts my way....

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Here's the plan

Talked to the clinic yesterday afternoon and Jennifer said that there is no way to tell which way the pregnancy will go yet, that the numbers aren't increasing like they would like to see, but at least they are increasing. She reviewed our results with Dr. Corfman and he said the plan is to come in for another beta test on Monday, which will tell us more which way the pregnancy is going to go. As long as we have no bleeding or symptoms that get worse, Monday is the plan.

So yesterday was tough, I cried a lot, I was so pissed that after all we've done to get to this point, all the shots, and all the waiting, that it still could be taken away. I kept putting my hand on my stomach and praying and asking the baby to give us a chance. It just didn't seem fair to me. Even now writing this brings tears to my eyes to think that this adventure could be over on Monday. To say the least I was devastated to hear that news.

But after some sleep I've come to realize that I'm just going to enjoy being pregnant (whatever that means)while I have it. I remain PUPO !!I have never really done things the "normal" way, and have always had my own schedule that didn't fit everybody elses, so maybe our baby is just like me, always stubborn and headstrong and wanting to do things his/her own way!

Please keep sending your prayers and thoughts for good news on Monday.
And if you have any suggestions on how to get through yet another long weekend.. I'm all ears.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

how quickly things change.

Got the results from our bloodwork today, the HCG levels were not good, we went from 60 to only 84 today, the baby is not growing and developing like it should. The nurse said they would have to review the results with Dr. Corfman and get back to us on what the plan is, he may want me to come in to get rechecked on Friday, or he may say lets wait for the ultrasound. Either way, my heart is breaking, I'm so worried that all the joy and happiness that we've been given will be taken away from us again.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The results are in ...

So the test results are in …. We are pregnant!! I went in for my blood test yesterday morning at 8:45 and luckily got Jennifer (not the evil nurse) so the blood draw was a piece of cake. When I went to the appointment yesterday morning I was under the impression that yesterday’s appt wasn’t the make or break appt, but part one of two, when Jennifer informed me that yesterday was in fact the “BIG ONE”, we were either pregnant or not, I skyped Jeff imediately when I got home and told him to get his butt home so we could listen to the message together. She also told me that they were looking for a HCG level of 100 or greater to indicate a strong implantation and to have less risk of miscarriage, but that anything over 5 is indicative of pregnancy. We came in at 60. So now we hold our breath that the number doubles tomorrow morning to show continued growth for the baby and hopefully a strong pregnancy.

Words can’t describe the excitement that Jeff and I are feeling! This is my first confirmed pregnancy, and the whole experience is just surreal. I even have to admit that I have literally pinched myself a couple times, and that I have this fear of waking up and it was all a dream.
We continue to pray that this pregnancy is the baby we will hold in our arms someday...

-------------------------------------Why we told so soon-------------------------------------

When we first decided to start a family, I think we were like most people, we planned to keep our pregnancy a secret until after the first trimester. We had dreams of showing off ultrasound pics and announcing that there would soon be a baby in our home.

The Infertility monster killed all those dreams. I began this blog as a journal of our experience with the hopes that our future child would someday be able to read it. It was also a place for friends and loved ones to keep track of our progress. It helped me avoid answering a million questions from everyone about where we were in the process while also helping our loved ones understand the many many steps that were involved, and cheer along with us as we made it over each hurdle along the way. Writing was cathartic, while talking about it was oftentimes painful.

Five years into this journey, and most people in our life are aware of what we are going through, and have supported us and cheered us on through the many failed IUI’s and then with the emotionally, physically, and financially draining adventure that is IVF.
It quickly, became very clear that we had two options, avoid people altogether and fall off the face of the earth (and this blog) after we got our results , knowing that there remains a greater chance for miscarriage before the end of the first trimester, or share early. We’ve decided to rejoice in this pregnancy and be optimistic that this is it for us, that this pregnancy will result in the baby that we have been dreaming about. And even though it's scary to share this early, it seems only natural that all of you, our friends and families will be along for the ride, just like you have been a part of this process since the beginning.

Thank you to all of you for all the love and support you have shown us, and please keep the prayers and thoughts going that we will have a healthy complete pregnancy!!!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

No No No... No aunt Flo !

So my body is being even more mysterious (and bratty if you ask me) because last night Jeff and I are hanging out on the couch watching a movie, enjoying the fireplace (yes we turned it on already.. I LOVE fall) and I take a pause to go do my evening dose.. holy cows.. what's that.. it's brown spotting! This leads to me almost being in tears as this is quite common before aunt flo shows up full speed. We head to the google to do some research and we find out that this symptom can be either a really good thing or a bad thing. of course. The brown blood can mean that my uterus is beginning to shift and expand to get ready for baby, which in turn pushes out the brown blood (old blood) from implantation bleeding. So if that is the case that's a very good sign... of course it can also be pre-aunt flo.. so we are waiting to see if the brown blood turns red which is an indication of aunt flo, or stays brown which could mean we are going to be doing the snoopy dance on Monday when we get a positive beta.

The waiting is killing me though.

Things seem to be back to normal this morning...all clear, so far anyway. I am meeting my study group at 10 am at barnes and noble... I think this situation calls for a decaf pumpkin spice latte for sure !!!

SO if you have an extra minute today to give us a thought.. think ANTI-AUNT-FLO thoughts please !!

(sorry for the boring font and no fun pictures but I'm not using my computer)

Friday, October 1, 2010

still good ...

A quick update: Still no Aunt Flo, slight headache continues, and monster cramps and pressure.

I'm also at the point where I've done so much research on everything that could be a symptom that I'm not sure if I'm talking myself into feeling things that aren't there or not.
This morning I couldn't stand to be in the kitchen because I swore the smell of the garbage was overwhelming, Jeff went in the kitchen and said it was barely noticable. Hmmm

I'm also drinking water like a camel, going through six bottles of water in less than two days ( I DON'T drink water).
the countdown continues:
2 days until beta blood test @ 8:45